Cooking With Kitty
by Red Witch
Summary: Kitty decides to star in her own cooking show.


**Kitty burned the disclaimer telling you that I don't own X-Men Evolution characters. Just some madness put in the regular X-Men Evo Cartoon.**

**Cooking With Kitty**

"Professor we have a situation," Jean said as she and Scott walked into Xavier's office.

"When do we ever **not **have a situation?" Logan sighed. He was there along with Hank and Ororo in Xavier's office. They were having a meeting when the two senior X-Men interrupted. "Seriously, every time someone opens their mouth around here there's some kind of situation. It's starting to get annoying."

"Logan," Xavier sighed. "What is it Scott?"

"You remember those stupid shows the Brotherhood used to put on public access TV?" Scott asked.

"They're not doing that again?" Hank moaned.

"Not them. It's worse. They've inspired someone else to do it," Scott groaned.

"We would have stopped this Professor if we knew about it but we just found out a few minutes ago and…" Jean began.

"Wait, wait hold on," Xavier held up his hand. "Someone else is going on television? Is it Kelly?"

"Worse! It's Kitty!" Scott groaned.

"Hold on. How could **Kitty** be worse than the Brotherhood or Kelly being on TV?" Hank did a double take. "I don't see the problem."

"She's doing her own cooking show," Scott explained.

"**Now **I see the problem," Hank moaned.

"Half Pint is doing a cooking show?" Logan sat up straight.

"Yes," Jean said.

"Kitty? Our Kitty is doing a cooking show?" Xavier blinked.

"Kitty as in Kitty Pryde, the one who's muffins caused a thousand dollar crack in the kitchen floor?" Ororo raised her eyebrows.

"That's her," Scott said.

"What's it called? A Hundred and One Ways To Get Food Poisoning?" Logan asked. "The Worst Thing I Ever Ate? Bad Eats? Undigested? Botchalism Tonight?"

"Yes Logan we get the picture," Xavier sighed.

"Have Fork Will Travel To The Emergency Room?" Logan added.

"Logan enough. We get it!" Ororo snapped.

"How could Kitty…" Hank began.

"That public access show will give anyone a time slot for a hundred bucks," Scott moaned.

"That we already knew when they put the Brotherhood on the air," Logan groaned. "Charles we have to stop this! Mutants have a bad enough rep as it is! If anyone tries to make one of Kitty's recipes we could have the Health Department coming down on us."

"We only found out because there's a viewing party downstairs," Jean said. "Somehow Kitty recruited some of the New Mutants behind our backs."

"Everyone calm down," Xavier said. "There is no need to panic."

"No need to panic? Charles have you forgotten what happened the last time Kitty tried to make something in the kitchen?" Logan yelled. "She made a fire Pyro would be jealous of!"

"I know. Now don't panic," Xavier said. "It's true Kitty's culinary skills are less than perfect."

"Less than perfect?" Hank shouted. "The day Mt. Vesuvius erupted was less than perfect! This has all the qualifications of becoming a complete disaster!"

"Summers get the team together! We have to storm the TV station and…" Logan began.

"No we don't," Xavier told him.

"You're gonna use one of your mental mind whammys to…" Logan made a motion with his hands indicating mind wiping.

"No I am not going to do that either," Xavier sighed.

"Why not? It's not like you haven't done that before!" Logan said.

"That was only for an emergency," Xavier gave him a look.

"And what do you call **this?** A practice drill?" Logan snapped.

"No! I call it a group of people overreacting to a minor situation that…." Xavier began.

"I'd hardly call mass food poisoning a minor situation!" Logan snapped.

"We'd better call Poison Control and have them on standby," Scott agreed.

"We are not going to call Poison Control!" Xavier said.

"How about the National Guard?" Logan asked.

"Charles I admit there are times that cooler heads must prevail but I am afraid I do agree with Logan's sentiments," Ororo interrupted. "He does have a point. If someone tries to copy one of Kitty's recipes we could be held liable."

"Or we could just get lucky and she'd only burn the studio down," Scott groaned.

"Scott!" Jean admonished. "That won't happen."

"You're right. With our luck Kitty would poison someone **and **burn the studio down," Scott moaned.

"I know Fury's number. Maybe I can convince him to call in an air strike?" Logan suggested.

"No! Okay, let's be rational about this," Xavier said. "Kitty is a responsible young woman."

"Unless she's behind the stove or the wheel of a car," Scott added.

"Yeah then she's an uncontrollable maniac," Logan agreed.

"Kitty is not an uncontrollable maniac. She does have some self-control," Hank said.

"Could have used some of that self-control the last time she had a driving lesson on the freeway," Logan moaned.

"Kitty is just trying to show mutants in a more positive light," Jean said. "She's just doing it the wrong way."

"Just like the other day on the freeway," Logan moaned. "Longest shortcut of my life."

"Look this is only on a public access station. Not too many people will be watching this," Hank said. "It's not like she's broadcasting this on Me Tube."

"She's simultaneously broadcasting her show on Me Tube," Scott said.

"We're doomed," Hank blinked. "Logan maybe you should call in that air strike?"

"No one is calling in an air strike!" Xavier said sternly. "Now I am going to contact Kitty telepathically and…"

RRRRRUMMMMMMBBLLLLEEEEEE!

"What was that?" Hank blinked at the noise.

"I believe it was my stomach," Xavier winced. He then looked at a half-eaten slice of cake on his desk. "Ororo…Please tell me you got this cake at a bakery."

"No. Charles where did you get that cake?" Ororo blinked.

"Found it on my desk. I assumed…" Xavier's eyes widened. "Oh I really do not feel well…"

RRRRUMMMBBBBLLLEEEEEE!

"Excuse me! I have to use the bathroom!" Xavier wheeled his wheelchair with the speed of an Olympic track runner. He practically skidded into his private bathroom across the hall.

"This cake doesn't smell good…" Logan sniffed the cake.

"She didn't…" Hank's eyes widened.

"She did! Damn it! She got to him!" Logan snarled.

"Kitty is a lot smarter than she pretends to be," Scott said.

"Wait that looks an awful lot like the cake downstairs in the…" Jean's eyes widened.

RRRURMMMBBLLLLEEEE!

"Excuse me! I gotta go!" Jean ran out of the room holding her stomach.

"Scott we'd better find the rest of this cake and burn it," Logan winced.

"JEAN! BLEECHHHH!" Kurt was heard yelling down hall.

"Sorry! Didn't know it was occupied!" Jean shouted. "Oh I don't feel so good…" Some retching sounds were heard too.

The four mutants ran down the hallway to another bathroom. "Let me guess Kurt," Scott groaned. "You ate some cake didn't you?"

"Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….." Kurt moaned weakly. "Jean! Out of my way! I'm going to throw up…."

"Oh dear. I'd better help them…" Ororo went in to assist. "Jean! Kurt not at the same time! You're gonna….Not my new dress!"

"And that's all we need to know about that," Scott said as he closed the bathroom door quickly. The three of them started walking down the hall. "This is not good."

"Bottom line she took out our two telepaths and our teleporter," Logan shook his head. "Damn she's good."

"Bit of a tactical genius if you think about it," Scott said.

"Too bad that genius doesn't extend to her culinary skills," Hank moaned.

"All right everyone listen up!" Scott called out to the rest of the students who were in the living room. "We have a bit of a situation. First of all…"

"Don't eat any cake. Yeah we figured it out," Bobby told him. "By the way Kitty's on TV."

"Oh goody," Rogue sat on the couch with her arms folded. "And here I thought I could spend **one night** out of the entire year where we didn't have to fight an enemy or put up with something stupid. Guess I was wrong. Lucky me…"

"Hold on, maybe this won't be so bad after all?" Hank said. "Let's not jump to conclusions and watch the program. Maybe Kitty does know what she's doing? Maybe this program might help bridge the gap in mutant-human relationships?"

"I have a special guest with me on Cooking With Kitty, a specialist on barbecue! Pyro!" Kitty said cheerfully.

"G'Day everybody!" Pyro said cheerfully. "Today's a great day for our special recipe, Seafood Surprise! Everyone got their de-scalers and pitchforks ready?"

"Maybe this will be the doom of us all?" Hank moaned. "Logan…"

"I'm on it!" Logan ran out the door.

"I'd better go too," Scott groaned as he followed him. "Rogue…"

"No way am I getting involved in this train wreck," Rogue told him.

"This recipe for barbecue is perfect for those romantic nights! Like for a certain Rogue and her Cajun boyfriend!" Pyro grinned.

"Hey! I told you that in confidence!" Kitty glared at him.

"Yeah you confidently told me that so I'd repeat it," Pyro said.

"On the other hand why miss a good maiming?" Rogue said as she followed Scott out of the room.

"Uh let's just get on with the recipe shall we?" Kitty gulped.

"Go ahead Kitty! Go ahead and show them what you know. Which should only take a minute," Lance called off screen.

"That's still a lot more than you know Lance! Just shut up and use the camera all right?" Kitty snapped. Then she made a grin to the camera. "Uh Peter why don't you come out and bring the seafood will you?"

"Why is Kitty working with the Brotherhood on this?" Amara asked as they watched the program.

"Probably bribed them," Tabitha shrugged. "Believe it or not their rates are quite reasonable."

"I don't believe it but I know why the Tin Man is doing this," Ray groaned. "He's been making goo goo eyes at her for weeks."

"Whoa that's one big fire," Jamie's eyes widened as they watched the program.

"Call me crazy but I don't think throwing raw eggs and green mayonnaise on a fish is probably a good idea," Bobby winced.

"Okay Crazy, you're right," Tabitha said.

"And now let's taste test our recipe!" Kitty said brightly. "Peter how would you like a taste?"

"Uh perhaps someone else would like a taste first?" Peter looked a little nervous. "Lance would you like to…?"

"Forget it pal!" Lance barked from behind the camera. "She's **your **problem now!"

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Kitty snapped.

"Just what do you **think** it means?" Lance yelled. "The days of me being your doormat are over! The only reason I'm here now is for the cash! And to keep Pyro from burning the place down."

"For the last time I promised not the burn the place down!" Pyro snapped. "I do have some boundaries you know? Maybe I'll burn the kitchen or a few chairs but still…"

"Kitty I think we should…." Peter gulped.

"Oh shut up and **ea**t this!" Kitty yanked his head down to her level and shoved the fish into his mouth. "Good right?"

"It is…Interesting…" Peter winced.

"Interesting as in he's already turning a nice shade of green," Bobby snickered.

"I do not feel so good…" Peter wobbled to the sink and started to throw up in it.

"This show was brought to you by the letter F for food poisoning!" Lance said cheerfully. "Also for failure, which pretty much describes anything Pryde does in the kitchen."

"Oh yeah?" Kitty stormed off camera. "I'll show you failure! COME HERE!"

"YEOWWW!" Lance was heard screaming off camera.

"Well that concludes our first and probably last Cooking with Kitty show," Pyro said cheerfully.

"BLEEAAACHHHH!" Peter was still throwing up in the sink next to Pyro.

"AAAAAHHHH!" Lance ran for his life in front of the camera.

"COME HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!" Kitty shouted as she ran by, grabbing a knife and chasing after him.

"Stay tuned for Fun with Mister Flickers!" Pyro created a medium sized fire dragon from the barbecue flames. "Hey kids! Let's see how many things Mister Flickers can burn!"

"ONLY THING GETTING BURNED IS A CERTAIN BLABBERMOUTH'S BIG HEAD!" Rogue was heard shouting. "KITTY!"

"Rogue…Wait I can explain…" Kitty was heard protesting.

"EXPLAIN THIS!" Rogue shouted. "HOW DARE YOU TELL THE WHOLE TOWN YOUR STUPID LIE ABOUT ME AND THAT SWAMP RAT?"

"Well you do kind of have a crush on…YIKES!" Kitty was heard yelling.

"AAAAHHH! MAD ROGUE! MAD ROGUE!" Lance ran for his life in front of the camera.

"Rogue! Can't we like talk about this?" Kitty followed him.

"You've done enough talking you hyperactive…" Rogue followed shouting several words that were not appropriate for television.

"We are so going to get phone calls from the FCC and the Health Department tomorrow," Hank sighed.

A red optic blast hit Pyro. "Knock it off flame head!" Scott shouted.

"Oh yeah? Well I think Mister Flickers has something to say about that!" Pyro got his balance back and made his fire dragon bigger.

"Okay I think I am finished throwing up now…" Peter looked a bit weak as he wobbled away from the sink. "No I am not…"

And he promptly got sick all over the floor just as Pyro and Scott advanced on each other. And of course the two of them slipped on the vomit and fell down. "OH GROSS!" Pyro yelled. His dragon losing cohesiveness and some flames flicked around, ending up on the counters. And soon the set had a small fire on it.

Just then Lance, Kitty and Rogue chased each other and of course they also fell down in the sickness. That did not stop Kitty and Rogue from respectively punching and beating each other and Lance. Of course Kitty kept phasing so almost all of Rogue's blows hit Lance instead.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Lance screamed in agony. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!"

"Somebody get Colossus to stop throwing up!" Scott tried to get up but kept slipping.

"HELP ME MISTER FLICKERS!" Pyro yelled.

Logan simply looked at the scene in horror. "I knew I should have called in that air strike…" Logan moaned as he looked into the camera.


End file.
